your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
