Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
