I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
