I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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