just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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