im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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