i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
