wake up i wanna do it froggy style
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
