you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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