I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
