I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
