Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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