He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
