you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
