I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
