I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
