I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
