I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
