you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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