my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
