just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
