i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
