I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
