okay pat passed out under dana's car
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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