someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
