im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
