Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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