They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
