dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
