the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
