morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
