Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
