he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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