I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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