I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
