i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
