grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
