If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
