So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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