Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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