Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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