Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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