My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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