Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
