Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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