After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
