so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
