Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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