hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
