I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
